IS THIS DEPRESSION?
You know what this week has made me realize (and I really don't care if ppl are reading this, this is just for me)? This week has made me realize just how tired I am. I do nothing but nap. My life is one large comprehensive nap. On average, I nap twice a day. When I am awake, I am still napping. I'm never fully...here? there? The point being that wherever I am, I'm somewhere else. I'm not sure what makes me go wherever it is I actually am, but nevertheless, it's harming me. I need to come back, but I don't really want to.
Is this depression?
I have good days, days that I don't think life is one big grey cloud. There are days when the world isn't foggy, when I derive enjoyment from the things and people around me. Mostly, though, it is just the grey area I'm stuck in. The alternate plane that I dream of. I'm drifting. I'm constantly disappointed by my drift, but the grounding is worse.
Is this depression?
When people speak to me, I find myself no longer caring. Every new person I meet, I wonder how they are going to push me further into the vast grey area. The people I look to for comfort make me pull even more curtains of foggy incoherence between us so they don't see my true-doubts, feelings, hatred, jealousy, compulsions. I make things up and convince myself of their truth, further proving there is no truth because everything is truth so long as it's not unprovable.
Is this depression?
I think I'm going to see a counselour soon, because I know exactly what's happening to me, and whether I believe it's a bad thing or not, it's not beneficial to my place in this world. What I've realized is, life is a game, and if I'm to keep playing this game, if I'm to win at this game, I'll have to sacrifice a lot more than just my insanity. Everyone is a pawn. Everyone has a place. Either I take my place, or I quit the game. Though the latter seems far more appealing...I just can't do it. Maybe later. Which would you prefer?
3 Comments:
Hey, Hannah.
I know we don't talk much... but I'm still here reading. (Creepy for you? haha.) I just wanted to tell you that it's a great idea to go to counseling. I started within my first month at college last year. I don't think I could have gotten through what happened (and you know what I'm talking about) without it.
Good job in identifying the symptoms and what's going on. It takes a lot of courage and strength to identify the feelings, but even more to deal with them head on. Counseling is hugely beneficial, and I think it should really help. If you want to talk about it or anything, or if you have any questions on what to expect, facebook me or myspace or whatever.
hehe...I just remembered a comment Chad left long ago on Peter's blog...funny how insightful the kid always was...
Depression rots from the inside. It will turn you away from friends. Away from family. Away from people.
Depression makes you do crazy things. It makes your mood swing like a pendulum. It makes the walls spin and life stop. It makes you sick. It breaks you into pieces.
Please stay in the game. Love
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